• What is a Scraplet? It's a piece of reclaimed wood with nails sticking out of it. Sometimes screws. Usually some washers. It's a bit of wood made to look like a little chap. Or a lady.


  • How are Scraplets made? Blood, sweat, tears. I find the wood, I chop the wood, I sand the wood, I paint the wood, I gently sand the wood again, then I wax the wood. Then buff the wood. Next I do the eyes and the mouth, legs and arms. And if they wear a hat, I stick a fucking hat on them.


  • Can they be kept in the garden? Not unless you've got an outdoor sound system. And a fancy gas BBQ. I wouldn't, personally.


  • Why don't you get a proper job? I tried that for years, it's not for me. Next!


  • Can Scraplets go through the washing machine? Well, they probably can. Whether you'd want that is a different matter entirely. I'd have to ask why you'd want that. Are you mental?


  • Where do you get the names from? My head. I've been around the block, I've met a lot of people. None of those people were called Gary Frenchkiss though.


  • Why are they called Scraplets? They're scrap wood, reclaimed wood that was being chucked away. Or taking up space in my workshop for years. Seemed as good a name as any.


  • Can I have a Scraplet named after me? Yes, but it'll cost you.


  • Where do you get your crazy ideas from? I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. I. Am. Not. Mental.


  • I don't like paying for things that look easy to make, can I make one? Yes, of course you can. But yours would be shite. And if you call it a Scraplet then I'll get Norbert Papin to hunt you down. Do you want to take that chance?


  • Can Scraplets talk? Yes. If you let them. Sometimes they never shut up. They're also terrific listeners though. And wonderful lovers.


  • Has a Scraplet ever attacked a house rabbit? I'll assume you're 'asking for a friend' here. Who the fuck has a house rabbit in this day and age? It's not the 1980's! Put the fucking thing in it's hutch, or a rabbit run, or a field - where it belongs. I'll give you no guarantees about the Scraplet/house rabbit coexistence - that's all on you, dickhead.


  • Are Scraplets good presents for family members I don't get on with? Probably not. Give them to someone you love. They'll love you more for it. After all, you don't want the kin you despise coming round all the time and texting you every day, do you? Because that's what'll happen.


  • Can I take my Scraplet on holiday with me? Absolutely. In fact, let them pilot the aeroplane. They all have an inbuilt ability for flying.


  • Will my Scraplet be able to do the housework? No. Your expectations are too high.


  • Do I need batteries for my Scraplet? Why would you even think that? What's wrong with you? They're not real robots.


  • Do they come with a tag with the story on it? Yes. If they've got a story on the website then they come with a biography tag. If they haven't got a story on the website then they don't - you get a one-off Dymo printed bespoke label with their name on it instead. If the Dymo machine is working - it often breaks.  Lucky you.


  • How long have you spent doing this? Long enough. I know my onions by this stage


  • How did all the Scraplets end up at your house? Time travel, I think. After Norbert built the time machine it all went a bit mental. I couldn't keep track of all the comings and goings. We've got a spacious bungalow, they all found a place and the rest is history. Or the future. Or something.


  •  What temperature should Scraplets be kept at? Room temperature is good. They don't mind being outside for a bit, enjoying the sun and a bit of fresh air, but they have to be back in by bedtime.

    There are exceptions - Invisible Shane doesn't like heat at all. He likes a cold room with a bit of a draught, if not a full air-conditioning system.


  •  Are Scraplets suitable for children? No. Not all all. Just look at them. Would you give a child a rusty nail to play with and stick in their eye? No, you wouldn't. So why give them four rusty nails? You'd have to be mental. Buy them a teddy bear instead, or a Curly Wurly. They'll enjoy that.


  •  Are Scraplets poisonous to fish? Very much so. In fact they're extremely poisonous to all aquatic life. Probably even whales. And the Welsh.


  •  How did Gary Frenchkiss get his own Instagram account when all the others didn't? Gary Frenchkiss is a very persistent chap. When he wants something he'll mentally torture me until I give in and totally acquiesce. He nearly made me sign the house over to him once. Luckily the wife got home from the shops just in time.


  •  Are Scraplets available in shops? Yes. They're available in a select group of shops currently - exclusive shops, you know. None of this John Lewis nonsense.


  •  Are they available on a wholesale basis? If you want to purchase a joblot of Scraplets wholesale for your shop, then give me a shout.


  •  Do you run Scraplet stalls at events? Yes yes and yes. This is almost the best thing about Scraplets - getting out there and meeting their adoring public.  We've got events/markets/festivals booked for across summer 2022, which is very exciting indeed. Check the Events page for up to date information on where we'll be headings next.


  •  Which is the best Scraplet? Norbert Papin. Without him none of this shit is possible.